Damn. All that hype and anticipation. Banking on a miracle. Something, anything to make me gasp in wonder, and know deep down that there is more to this life than meets the eye.
Yea so, apparently it was all for nothing.
I sat there on the patio for over an hour, watching the moon and the stars and the planets, the flashing lights of the airplanes and the bats swooping overhead. I listened to the wind rustling the palm branches and the distant howl of coyotes. While the cool breeze ebbed and flowed, it swirled about me carrying the scent of wet grass; skimming my face and exposed skin, tussling my hair.
I should have just been appreciative of all that in and of itself. And I was for a moment. It just turns out it was a very brief moment.
Until my mind wandered and began to over-think things. Instead of enjoying the solitude and being grateful just to witness the sights and sounds and smells of the desert, the introspection turned sad and ugly and ultimately depressing. The void inside deepened and I began to question if I will ever find inner-peace. If I'll ever be in a place where it's enough just to be alive. I know every day is a gift and should be treated as such. I think maybe it's because I know this, but never actually feel it, causes me to feel insignificant and ungrateful.
At one point, I actually found myself praying. Well, not exactly praying, more like having a conversation with...SOMETHING. I'm not even sure who or what. And no, not out loud! (I'm not quite that loony.) But internally admitting that I'm not in a good place and asking for help in figuring out why I feel this way. So lost and pathetic. Questioning my life and my path and my worthiness. And then I began to feel frustrated and angry and disappointed. But only with myself and my false expectations. After all that waiting and watching and mental turmoil, I was intellectually and physically exhausted.
Worst of all, I fell asleep before I got to witness any stars fall from the sky.
I honestly don't know what I was looking for last night. What I had hoped to find or learn or realize. I do know nothing happened - nothing changed. All I have to show for this exercise are a few bug bites, a kink in my neck and a shitty attitude.
2 comments:
So I wanted to post a comment about how one of my favourite things to do is to watch satellites pass overhead in the dead of night. There's something... Oddly cool and disconnected about watching a manmade piece of gear streak by in outer space. But. That would really be skirting the issue, wouldn't it?
So, instead, I'll just say that I spent a lot of years feeling how you've described in this and your last post. In the end I found that I was never looking for some thing so much as I was looking for someone to give me permission to do what I felt I needed to do. So on the off chance that somewhere inside you know what you need to do, my advice is to give yourself permission. Sometime's it's all we've got, hun. If I'm wrong, then you can still picture me with a silly grin on my face and a cramp in my neck while I'm watching sattelites zoom by at midnight - and giggle a little.
I hope you find whatever it is you seek, I like the comment above, give yourself the permission you need to do what you know deep in yourself you need to do. I wish you peace.
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