MFC:: Week 5 (A Week Later)

So I skipped MFC last week. I think I had good reason. It was an all around shit-tastic week, to say the least. Did I mention my dog died on the day before my MIL's funeral? Yea, that happened on top of everything else. I dropped her off in such a rush to get to Texas to be with my family after my MIL passed away from f*cking cancer, there was no proper goodbye. 

My Ruby, my 12 year old red haired, brown eyed rescue mutt died of heart failure, alone and in the kennel...and I feel so guilty and heartbroken. 

Do I sound a little bitter? Sarcastic? Angry? Maybe.

I'm just trying to process and make sense of it all while staying strong and keeping the household running. That's my job. I'm the mom, wife, employee, etc. The caretaker. The organizer. You name it, I need to hold it together. 

But I am still grateful. Despite everything, I try to take a moment every single day (granted, sometimes it's a FORCED moment) to acknowledge my blessings. 

This week I'll keep it to one thing. I am thankful for the eleven years our family got to spend with this girl. 

Ruby Shooby Doo {WE MISS YOU}

blessings 

x

MFC: Week 4

Mid-week Favorites Collection

As much as I didn't want to post MFC this week, I know it's even more important to find at least a few things for which to express one's gratitude - especially in the midst of pain and suffering.

Moon's mom was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago. Not just cancer, an aggressive stage 4 cancer that has attacked brutally in just 2 short months. Friday morning we learned that she was hospitalized for emergency surgery. It's been a challenge trying to maintain "normalcy" at home while worrying like crazy about my extended family 3000 miles away.

~ I am thankful Moon was able to leave work and fly down to his family to lend his support, even when I cannot.

~ Lilacs. I found a sprig of lilacs at the grocer this weekend. It's amazing how smells can trigger such vivid memories. I am reminded of springtime as a child: climbing trees, riding bikes, splashing in mud puddles.

~ Cool Whip cream cheese frosting. Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me?

~ Trusting my intuition (for once)...And for that I am heaving a HUGE sigh of relief.

So, tell me something that you are especially thankful for today.

Unthought Known

Feel the sky blanket you

With gems & rhinestones
See the path cut by the moon

For you to walk on

 

Unthought Known, Backspacer

~Pearl Jam

MFC:: Week 3

Mid-week Favorites Collection

Especially filled with gratitude this week, now that I am back to feeling normal and Bug is over his double-whammy  ear infection and bronchitis.

 

I am grateful for...

~ My new toy! (A vintage Presto! Polaroid Land Camera SX-70, courtesy of Boom Vintage). I can't wait to try it out with a pack of wildly expensive instant film this weekend.

 

~ Mom's Pie's  “Flakey” Apple Boysenberry pie. Totally worth the 2+ hour drive just for a slice, heated with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream and wild chamomile tea. OH MY!

 

~ Only 4 months left to go until my next Pearl Jam show. It'll be an epic weekend in Chicago for sure.

 

What are you thankful for this week?

xo

11 years and counting

I had a lovely weekend spent exploring new areas of California for my 11th wedding anniversary, Moon and Bug in tow. ;)

 

The days involved loads of nature, a little bit of shopping, some live music, lots of pie a la mode...and many precious memories. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope your weekend as filled with just as much love and blessings (and pie) as mine was. xo

 

 



The pictures have...

Sometimes life deals you more than you think you can handle. In such trying moments, it's hard to feel hope (let alone see beauty) in much of anything. This is why I am grateful to always have a camera within short reach. Somehow the camera lens manages to discover beautiful moments despite the user's (my) mindset. Even if I can't appreciate the images at the time, at least they are saved to a memory card to reflect upon later.

 

For it's in those later moments that I often find grace and peace and solace. Despite everything else. This is what has the power to pull me back to a better place.  

 

Photography.

MFC:: Week 1

Mid-week Favorites Collection

Despite a sinus infection (me), an ear infection PLUS bronchitus (my son), and an as-yet-undiagnosed major health concern (my MIL), I am taking this opportunity to acknowledge that which I am thankful for this week.

I'M GRATEFUL

~ it's one day closer to a weekend spent at home (so I can catch up on laundry and finally begin the first phase of the great household purge project)

~ for coconut cake and herbal tea

~ for Vintique, DistressedFX, DeluxeFX and the new PicTapGo iPhone photo-editing Apps

~ a little rain is on the way this weekend (to keep me at home to accomplish number 1 on this week's list)

~ for Martha Beck and her magically inspirational books

~ to still have a full season of Downton Abbey to catch up on

~ and last but not least, Pearl Jam

What are you giving thanks for this week?

Just Breathe

A new day has dawned

Let go of the past
Be open to possibilities

Find solace in nature
Capture the moments

Drink the sun's energy

Embrace change 
Listen to your soul
Follow your heart
Trust your intuition

Turn mistakes into gold

Above all else, Yield

I can see the light

Spring has arrived in Southern California. The short-lived boots and sweater season may be gone until November, I'm afraid. The sun has come out to play, and seems to be arriving earlier and staying a bit longer each and every day.

 

March is here. It's time to seize it and hold on for the ride.

 

Yield, baby!

To myself I...Surrender

A reminder on days when it's too damn hard to make sense of the outside world...

Who matters most:

Family
Friends
Spirit
Myself

What matters most:

Love
Health
Authenticity
Pride
Acceptance
Generousity
Kindness
Patience
Gratitude
Honesty

Thinking 'bout heaven

 

Two days ago we received word that an acquaintance had suddenly and tragically lost his significant other. While my heart breaks for him, I am also reminded of how very blessed I am. I have my Moon and my two beautiful children. We have our health and the love and support of our extended family and friends across the world. Life is so short and unpredictable. Today I am grateful to have at least one more day to cherish.

Restless soul, enjoy your youth

I've come to the conclusion that my soul is inherently restless (see yesterday's post).

This week I've been working on some exercises in meditation and the practice of "wordlessness". It's not working. Not even a little bit. Ok, well maybe the verbal wordlessness is not such a problem for me (I can happily go for hours with little to no conversation), but to quiet the mind and the constant chatter going on in there…

Yea, that's a whole different animal completely.

Practice makes perfect. 

Deep breaths.
Pearl Jam. 
Solitude.

Every day, even for a few minutes.

Don't you think you oughtta rest?

I had every intention of using this weekend to simply relax.

Regenerate

Refresh

Renew

But I am restless and bored and feeling the pull of the glorious sun calling me to come out and play. To soak in the rays and ingest the energy of the outdoors. I'll probably regret it. My entire being - body, mind, soul - needs recharging. In the past, that meant sleep and mindless television marathons spent on the couch. 

Not anymore.

Something has shifted. I'm not going to fight it. It's the year to YIELD. And I fully intend to do just that.

I'm stuck in line

This is my commute.

Every. Single. (Week)Day.

One hour into the coffin office; one hour home. Not exactly how I want to be spending precious moments. Life’s too short to be sucking exhaust fumes for 10 hours a week, right?

This is where I am. I’m stuck in line.

2013: Yield

Abbreviated definition (ref. Dictionary.com)

— vb  (often foll by up ) (sometimes foll by to )  (often foll by to )
1.	to give forth or supply (a product, result, etc), esp by cultivation, labour, etc; produce or bear
2.	( tr ) to furnish as a return: the shares yielded three per  cent
3.	to surrender or relinquish, esp as a result of force,  persuasion, etc
4.	to give way, submit, or surrender, as through force or  persuasion
5.	to agree; comply; assent
6.	( tr ) to grant or allow; concede
7.	obsolete  ( tr ) to pay or repay
— n
8.	the result, product, or amount yielded
9.	the profit or return, as from an investment or tax
10.	the annual income provided by an investment, usually  expressed as a percentage of its cost or of its current value

The road the old man paved

She's standing naked

Ok, so I am really NOT a vain person - I promise you that much. I know all too well my flaws and my short-comings. 

EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. (And more...)

But after participating in Susannah Conway's Blogging from the Heart course, I discovered a love of photography. Well, more like an obsession. Ok, let's call it a passion. Something about the BFTH journey awakened my creative spirit and rejuvenated my senses. Especially considering my writer's block and all...

So, I decided to go for it and take Susannah's Photo Meditations: Infusing Your Images With Soul course...Holy shit! What struck me was that sometimes I could actually create something from nothing that I could be somewhat proud of - that a handful of images captured using my crappy iPhone weren't all that bad. Not great, but not THAT bad. At least one in ten I could say, "Yes, I kind of like that one".

And then, about three days in, I began seeing everything in a totally different light. LITERALLY. Seeing, noticing, visualizing - being more aware and present and in the moment. Around every corner I saw images that spoke to me; begging to be photographed; captured in ways I'd never thought of before.

Not that any of my photographs are (or every will be) award winning, mind you. In fact, they're SHITE in comparison with real professionals, and even most amateurs. But still, my photos made me happy and somewhat proud at times. Thank you very much.

"I did that?" 

Out of this grew a hunger to learn more. I yearned to ingest anything and everything I could about the creative medium...but there's just so much, and it's overwhelming to the point where I wanted to give up. 

"Who am I to think that I can do this?"

But, you know what, I am not going to. Give up, that is. I'm loving it. It's healing and therapeutic and something that actually brings a sense of joy to my everyday life. And that is saying something, considering I find little joy or happiness on most days.

Now I am at the point where if I don't take at least a handful of photos everyday, I feel empty and somewhat deflated. Without a camera of some sort at hand, I feel lost.

Ok, so now back to the real reason for this post…the reason it will probably be deleted on the morrow. There was a lesson in this Photo Meditations course that made me pause and think. Really, really think.

"THE BIG REVEAL" 

What??? A self-portrait showing skin??? My own skin??? Nudity even??? Oh, hell no! It truly floored me. And made me feel just a little bit uneasy. Apprehensive…

This is the reason I started out by promising you that I am really not a vain person. Plus, let me also say that I usually despise myself in photographs. However, I realize as a 40+ woman, I need to get the hell over that already. I need to begin to see myself differently. I need to look past the wrinkles and the grey hair and the sagging skin. I need to force myself to recognize that I am worthy. I am somebody. 

I am ME. Bags, sags and all.

So, with a lump in my throat and my stomach in knots, here goes nothing…

Ha, well it's no nude selfie, but it's still breaching my comfort zone…

Maybe next time, kids. MAYBE.

And if you're really that curious about my tentative venture into "selfies", perhaps you should go check out the Instagram link on the right…

:)

Wounds in the mirror waved

Saying goodbye to the desert is usually bittersweet. I don't get there as often as I would like, and in the past six years, it's been my place of refuge. 

This time, not so much. For once, I was ready to leave the desert, as well as leave the memory of the internal wounds that unexpectedly re-opened far, far behind. 

I kept my phone out to document the drive home. I wasn't sure as to why at the time. But now I know. I found a muse. A sea of arms upraised an open toward the sky. I shot the windmills from the speeding car, awed by the storm clouds hovering off in the distance, the sun setting the sky ablaze and the vast nothingness between both mountain ranges. All the while, silently vowing to return in the near future to spend quality time with a quality camera. Maybe even that Polaroid that is en route to my house...

And then my used Polaroid camera bought on eBay arrived the following day, and I shot my very first test photo on expired film (also bought on eBay)...

I have a feeling this quest is going to be a long one. Quite possibly an expensive one as well. And I am going to relish every minute of it! 

Mistakes and all.

14 days and counting

In just 14 days, I'll be taking Bug to his very first concert. But it's not just his "first concert"...

It's eV

I want nothing more than to witness this show with my son. Expose him to the power of this artist and his music; someone who has influenced my life in countless ways through powerful, sometimes emotional lyrics for over twenty years. It's humbling to have the opportunity to share with one's child an experience that is bound to be both moving and life-altering. But most of all, I have the privilege to introduce my son to an amazing community of people - those I am fortunate enough to call my friends - who have really become more of a family than a fan-base.

But Bug is only eight and I wonder how much he will truly appreciate at this very tender (and immature) age.

Regardless, he's still my Bug. Yes, I actually DO call him that in real life, not just in the cyber-world. 

"Bug" grew out of his pet name as a baby: Boo Boo...then Boo Bear...which turned in to Boo...which morphed into Bug-a-Boo...Ugg-A-Bug...and finally Bug. 

Now that he's 8, "Bug" sounds a lot like "Bud" (as in buddy), which is probably a hell of a lot more socially acceptable (and less embarrassing) when I inevitably slip-up in public. 

Even when he's grown out of pet names entirely, and refuses to let me call him anything but his given name, he'll always be my BUG.

And, yes it may be wishful thinking, but considering eV played "Bugs" at the Amsterdam solo show this past summer - there's a shot (albeit slim) at hearing Bugs at Bug's first show. 

Bugs for my Bug. This proud mama would certainly SMILE foEVer if that happened.



The waiting drove me mad

Damn. All that hype and anticipation. Banking on a miracle. Something, anything to make me gasp in wonder, and know deep down that there is more to this life than meets the eye.

Yea so, apparently it was all for nothing. 

I sat there on the patio for over an hour, watching the moon and the stars and the planets, the flashing lights of the airplanes and the bats swooping overhead. I listened to the wind rustling the palm branches and the distant howl of coyotes. While the cool breeze ebbed and flowed, it swirled about me carrying the scent of wet grass; skimming my face and exposed skin, tussling my hair.

I should have just been appreciative of all that in and of itself. And I was for a moment. It just turns out it was a very brief moment. 

Until my mind wandered and began to over-think things. Instead of enjoying the solitude and being grateful just to witness the sights and sounds and smells of the desert, the introspection turned sad and ugly and ultimately depressing. The void inside deepened and I began to question if I will ever find inner-peace. If I'll ever be in a place where it's enough just to be alive. I know every day is a gift and should be treated as such. I think maybe it's because I know this, but never actually feel it, causes me to feel insignificant and ungrateful.

At one point, I actually found myself praying. Well, not exactly praying, more like having a conversation with...SOMETHING. I'm not even sure who or what. And no, not out loud! (I'm not quite that loony.) But internally admitting that I'm not in a good place and asking for help in figuring out why I feel this way. So lost and pathetic. Questioning my life and my path and my worthiness. And then I began to feel frustrated and angry and disappointed. But only with myself and my false expectations. After all that waiting and watching and mental turmoil, I was intellectually and physically exhausted. 

Worst of all, I fell asleep before I got to witness any stars fall from the sky.

I honestly don't know what I was looking for last night. What I had hoped to find or learn or realize. I do know nothing happened - nothing changed. All I have to show for this exercise are a few bug bites, a kink in my neck and a shitty attitude.