Stare the sun down {a day in San Francisco:: part 3}

And you're the key {a day in San Francisco:: part 2}

Texture Tuesday:: The Times Two eDition

For this week's Texture Tuesday, I chose to edit a bouquet of flowers I photographed last week that were sent to the family after my mother-in-law passed away. 

In loving memory of a beautiful, dynamic, complex, feisty, loving, giving, selfless woman. I miss you already. 

xo

Sympathy Bouquet

{texture 1: return @ 26% fill}

{texture 2: partings @ 31% fill}

MFC: Week 4

Mid-week Favorites Collection

As much as I didn't want to post MFC this week, I know it's even more important to find at least a few things for which to express one's gratitude - especially in the midst of pain and suffering.

Moon's mom was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago. Not just cancer, an aggressive stage 4 cancer that has attacked brutally in just 2 short months. Friday morning we learned that she was hospitalized for emergency surgery. It's been a challenge trying to maintain "normalcy" at home while worrying like crazy about my extended family 3000 miles away.

~ I am thankful Moon was able to leave work and fly down to his family to lend his support, even when I cannot.

~ Lilacs. I found a sprig of lilacs at the grocer this weekend. It's amazing how smells can trigger such vivid memories. I am reminded of springtime as a child: climbing trees, riding bikes, splashing in mud puddles.

~ Cool Whip cream cheese frosting. Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me?

~ Trusting my intuition (for once)...And for that I am heaving a HUGE sigh of relief.

So, tell me something that you are especially thankful for today.

Unthought Known

Feel the sky blanket you

With gems & rhinestones
See the path cut by the moon

For you to walk on

 

Unthought Known, Backspacer

~Pearl Jam

Turning mistakes into gold

Spring has sprung and I'm loving it. Flowers, flowers everywhere! Pretty little delicate subjects to photograph nonstop. Inspiration abounds.

 

So, I finally bit the bullet and purchased Lightroom 4 and Photoshop CS6 software, and cannot wait to begin tinkering with all the photos that have been sitting on my harddrive from my "big girl" camera. Because I have a few (tens of)thousands to go through...

 

And I took (not comfortable using the verb "made") a total of 505 photographs over the weekend, not including the 50+ on my iPhone and 8 polaroids from my vintage SX-70. I think I am happy with, oh I dunno, maybe let's say five photographs in all.

 

FIVE.

 

That's 1%! Is that normal? Or is everyone else out there so much more restrained and selective? Now granted, I am still practicing and learning and experimenting with my DLSR. Between exposure and depth of field and focal length and composition and everything else, I'll cut myself a little slack. I don't delete in camera. I'll use the 99% crappy images to learn from mistakes. At least that's what I am telling myself. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

xo

MFC:: Week 3

Mid-week Favorites Collection

Especially filled with gratitude this week, now that I am back to feeling normal and Bug is over his double-whammy  ear infection and bronchitis.

 

I am grateful for...

~ My new toy! (A vintage Presto! Polaroid Land Camera SX-70, courtesy of Boom Vintage). I can't wait to try it out with a pack of wildly expensive instant film this weekend.

 

~ Mom's Pie's  “Flakey” Apple Boysenberry pie. Totally worth the 2+ hour drive just for a slice, heated with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream and wild chamomile tea. OH MY!

 

~ Only 4 months left to go until my next Pearl Jam show. It'll be an epic weekend in Chicago for sure.

 

What are you thankful for this week?

xo

The pictures have...

Sometimes life deals you more than you think you can handle. In such trying moments, it's hard to feel hope (let alone see beauty) in much of anything. This is why I am grateful to always have a camera within short reach. Somehow the camera lens manages to discover beautiful moments despite the user's (my) mindset. Even if I can't appreciate the images at the time, at least they are saved to a memory card to reflect upon later.

 

For it's in those later moments that I often find grace and peace and solace. Despite everything else. This is what has the power to pull me back to a better place.  

 

Photography.

MFC:: Week 1

Mid-week Favorites Collection

Despite a sinus infection (me), an ear infection PLUS bronchitus (my son), and an as-yet-undiagnosed major health concern (my MIL), I am taking this opportunity to acknowledge that which I am thankful for this week.

I'M GRATEFUL

~ it's one day closer to a weekend spent at home (so I can catch up on laundry and finally begin the first phase of the great household purge project)

~ for coconut cake and herbal tea

~ for Vintique, DistressedFX, DeluxeFX and the new PicTapGo iPhone photo-editing Apps

~ a little rain is on the way this weekend (to keep me at home to accomplish number 1 on this week's list)

~ for Martha Beck and her magically inspirational books

~ to still have a full season of Downton Abbey to catch up on

~ and last but not least, Pearl Jam

What are you giving thanks for this week?

Just Breathe

A new day has dawned

Let go of the past
Be open to possibilities

Find solace in nature
Capture the moments

Drink the sun's energy

Embrace change 
Listen to your soul
Follow your heart
Trust your intuition

Turn mistakes into gold

Above all else, Yield

I can see the light

Spring has arrived in Southern California. The short-lived boots and sweater season may be gone until November, I'm afraid. The sun has come out to play, and seems to be arriving earlier and staying a bit longer each and every day.

 

March is here. It's time to seize it and hold on for the ride.

 

Yield, baby!

To myself I...Surrender

A reminder on days when it's too damn hard to make sense of the outside world...

Who matters most:

Family
Friends
Spirit
Myself

What matters most:

Love
Health
Authenticity
Pride
Acceptance
Generousity
Kindness
Patience
Gratitude
Honesty

Restless soul, enjoy your youth

I've come to the conclusion that my soul is inherently restless (see yesterday's post).

This week I've been working on some exercises in meditation and the practice of "wordlessness". It's not working. Not even a little bit. Ok, well maybe the verbal wordlessness is not such a problem for me (I can happily go for hours with little to no conversation), but to quiet the mind and the constant chatter going on in there…

Yea, that's a whole different animal completely.

Practice makes perfect. 

Deep breaths.
Pearl Jam. 
Solitude.

Every day, even for a few minutes.

Don't you think you oughtta rest?

I had every intention of using this weekend to simply relax.

Regenerate

Refresh

Renew

But I am restless and bored and feeling the pull of the glorious sun calling me to come out and play. To soak in the rays and ingest the energy of the outdoors. I'll probably regret it. My entire being - body, mind, soul - needs recharging. In the past, that meant sleep and mindless television marathons spent on the couch. 

Not anymore.

Something has shifted. I'm not going to fight it. It's the year to YIELD. And I fully intend to do just that.

2013: Yield

Abbreviated definition (ref. Dictionary.com)

— vb  (often foll by up ) (sometimes foll by to )  (often foll by to )
1.	to give forth or supply (a product, result, etc), esp by cultivation, labour, etc; produce or bear
2.	( tr ) to furnish as a return: the shares yielded three per  cent
3.	to surrender or relinquish, esp as a result of force,  persuasion, etc
4.	to give way, submit, or surrender, as through force or  persuasion
5.	to agree; comply; assent
6.	( tr ) to grant or allow; concede
7.	obsolete  ( tr ) to pay or repay
— n
8.	the result, product, or amount yielded
9.	the profit or return, as from an investment or tax
10.	the annual income provided by an investment, usually  expressed as a percentage of its cost or of its current value

Wounds in the mirror waved

Saying goodbye to the desert is usually bittersweet. I don't get there as often as I would like, and in the past six years, it's been my place of refuge. 

This time, not so much. For once, I was ready to leave the desert, as well as leave the memory of the internal wounds that unexpectedly re-opened far, far behind. 

I kept my phone out to document the drive home. I wasn't sure as to why at the time. But now I know. I found a muse. A sea of arms upraised an open toward the sky. I shot the windmills from the speeding car, awed by the storm clouds hovering off in the distance, the sun setting the sky ablaze and the vast nothingness between both mountain ranges. All the while, silently vowing to return in the near future to spend quality time with a quality camera. Maybe even that Polaroid that is en route to my house...

And then my used Polaroid camera bought on eBay arrived the following day, and I shot my very first test photo on expired film (also bought on eBay)...

I have a feeling this quest is going to be a long one. Quite possibly an expensive one as well. And I am going to relish every minute of it! 

Mistakes and all.

The waiting drove me mad

Damn. All that hype and anticipation. Banking on a miracle. Something, anything to make me gasp in wonder, and know deep down that there is more to this life than meets the eye.

Yea so, apparently it was all for nothing. 

I sat there on the patio for over an hour, watching the moon and the stars and the planets, the flashing lights of the airplanes and the bats swooping overhead. I listened to the wind rustling the palm branches and the distant howl of coyotes. While the cool breeze ebbed and flowed, it swirled about me carrying the scent of wet grass; skimming my face and exposed skin, tussling my hair.

I should have just been appreciative of all that in and of itself. And I was for a moment. It just turns out it was a very brief moment. 

Until my mind wandered and began to over-think things. Instead of enjoying the solitude and being grateful just to witness the sights and sounds and smells of the desert, the introspection turned sad and ugly and ultimately depressing. The void inside deepened and I began to question if I will ever find inner-peace. If I'll ever be in a place where it's enough just to be alive. I know every day is a gift and should be treated as such. I think maybe it's because I know this, but never actually feel it, causes me to feel insignificant and ungrateful.

At one point, I actually found myself praying. Well, not exactly praying, more like having a conversation with...SOMETHING. I'm not even sure who or what. And no, not out loud! (I'm not quite that loony.) But internally admitting that I'm not in a good place and asking for help in figuring out why I feel this way. So lost and pathetic. Questioning my life and my path and my worthiness. And then I began to feel frustrated and angry and disappointed. But only with myself and my false expectations. After all that waiting and watching and mental turmoil, I was intellectually and physically exhausted. 

Worst of all, I fell asleep before I got to witness any stars fall from the sky.

I honestly don't know what I was looking for last night. What I had hoped to find or learn or realize. I do know nothing happened - nothing changed. All I have to show for this exercise are a few bug bites, a kink in my neck and a shitty attitude.

Feel the sky blanket you

If ever there was a time in my life when I needed to believe in a Higher Power, it would be now. At a time when I struggle with so many demons, questions, doubts; feeling lost, powerless, hopeless. 

It would be nice to have a little faith to fall back upon at a time like this. 

But I don't. Have faith, that is.

Somehow I lost it somewhere along the way. And I so desperately need to recapture it. So desperately WANT to recapture it. Grab a hold of it and never let it go again.

Tonight the Orionid meteor shower, the result of dust from Halley's Comet hitting Earth's atmosphere as the planet travels through space in its orbit around the sun, is scheduled to be visible from about 11:00 pm pacific time. This is the kind of stuff I read about a long time ago. Many moons ago when I was just an innocent, living a carefree life without heavy problems or the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I have one hour to go. I am determined to make it. I'm beat tired and running on empty. But damned if I am going to miss it. My first meteor shower. My chance to witness a true wonder.

Maybe I am foolish to believe that such an event will have some profound, life-altering impact. Maybe I am grasping at straws. Maybe I want something to believe in so badly that this is just a last ditch effort. A pathetic attempt.

Maybe. But what if?

What if witnessing something extraordinary at a time when it is most needed really does shift my thinking? Watching something powerful and moving, and altogether ethereal can do that, you know. What if it brings with it some glimpse of a Greater Power? And along with that, a renewed sense of awe for Mother Nature. 

Certainty. Assurance. Peace. But I'll settle for just a spark of hope at this point.

What if...

Wouldn't that be fucking great?

Thrifty Thursday: Goodwill Hunting

I am taking to heart some recent feedback from a fellow Blogging from the Heart participant who wanted me to explore the "I Know" bullet points from my last post. 

I'll start with...

I KNOW WHAT I LOVE, AND WHAT I LOVE TO DO 

Back in early September, I wrote a post that included one particular thing that I love to do. Granted, the post wasn't all about this activity, it was what I did to find some semblance of solace in the midst of a particularly stressful day. For the record, I've also made mention of this hobby here and here.

At this point, you are probably saying: "Get to the point already?"  

Okay. I admit it. I'm a total junkie. I'm a junk junkie. I love perusing thrift stores and flea markets (and *eh-hem* maybe an occasional yard sale or two) for objects that intrigue me and aesthetically please my eye. I'm a particular sucker for empty frames, shabby paintings, mason jars, vintage linens and anything feminine, faded and floral. I'm not so much into clothing or collectibles. For me, it's all about the home and pretty elements of decor; and sometimes turning something ugly or broken into a beautiful treasure. I lovingly use a stolen lyric for this process - "turning mistakes into gold". (I'll go more into this some Sunday very soon, when I begin a Salvage Sunday series).

Lately while on these lunchtime excursions, I've taken to photographing objects that catch my eye. This is much friendlier on the pocket book, and if I bought everything I wanted, I'd be featured on the next episode of Hoarders. I may pick up an item here and there, but it's mostly just browsing and taking snaps. Yep, I might just be that crazy lady you've noticed at the Salvation Army staging vignettes in the collectible aisle, positioning myself for the right angle and lighting.

I may not do this Thrifty Thursday feature every week. My schedule is far too erratic and my travel days are unpredictable. I don't always get to escape to do a weekly dose of retail therapy, but I thought it would be fun to highlight some photos of beauties found during my adventures in "Goodwill Hunting" on this inaugural edition of Thrifty Thursday.

This wicker fan caught my eye on the back wall of the junk room. I love the soft tones and floral pattern. I can see this in a beach cottage set against a very pale aqua painted paneled wall.

Just think of what this antique loom must have produced in it's glory days. I could write a whole fictional story about the woman I envision crouched over this loom, weaving her heart and soul into every fabric.

{CAUTION: If you're a germ-o-phobe you may not relate on this one.} 

I want to know the conversations, drama, secrets, lies, jokes, tall-tales and celebrations that took place day after day at the dining tables' of these utensils. If only spoons could talk! Perhaps another story developing...

This one just reminded me of my grandmother and her love of all things gold; from her lamps, to her mouse lighter, to her bible book-ends to her picture frames and mirrors.

She is just so ethereal and nymph-like that I wanted to capture her on film.

So, I admit that I did make a small purchase today. However, in my defense, I needed something lovely to hold all my shells from last weekend's beach-combing.

Tell me, what do YOU love to do?

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life

I don't think anyone who knows me would argue that I am a dreamer. Some may go as far as to say I'm a fantasist. And a small few who are closest to me would say I’m completely delusional (but that's a whole other topic). 

Here’s the thing…I am rapidly approaching my forty-first birthday, and while not a monumental year, I feel it's time that I finally begin to lay the foundation of a plan.

A plan for a complete life change. 

Admittedly, this may be a "mid-life" crisis of sorts. Yet I am beginning to realize that more than a few women of a certain age experience similar feelings of "what do I want to be when I grow up?" 

In fact, I had a conversation about this with two friends over the weekend, and we were all nodding our heads in agreement. But not one of us knew what to do about it. While it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this mindset - that by forty it’s Okay to not have everything figured out - it’s still unsettling. 

My fear is that, knowing myself and my “grass-is-greener” tendencies, what I think I want may not actually turn out to be the case. Or that it’s not realistic. Or it’s just plain selfish. It’s this fear, and the possibility of failure, that hold me back. Well, that and a lack of a plan. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start. So, I’ll start with what I know…

·         I know I need a change.

·         I know what I am doing now is not sustainable.

·         I know depression, anxiety, & exhaustion are signs     of danger.

·         I know what I love, and love to do.

·         I know what motivates me.

·         I know my strengths and my weaknesses.

·         I know situations in which I thrive.

·         I know that when I am at my best, I am energetic and excited. 

The problem is I just don’t know how to take all of that and make a living from it.